I recently received the following questions. Many of us have felt these painful feelings and in my response I want to try to alleviate human suffering by sharing some ways of healing heartbreak.
Thank you for reaching out and then taking care to clarify things for me. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time!
Let’s start with your questions:
“I met this guy, we became intimate, I thought everything was good. He moved in down the street, he said to be closer to his job, now he’s unavailable. I can’t stop driving past… Why did he move that close to me?”
Thirty years of experience and research has shown me that when a man wants more than sex and is AVAILABLE for love, he will do everything in his power to cultivate an intimate (more than sex) relationship. It is in man’s nature to desire to please the woman he loves, and this man will do everything he can to make her feel safe and secure. Trying to get a man to commit or be more intimate before he is ready is generally ill-advised. Men are hunters, they decide what they want and then go get it. They do not have “trouble committing” as popularly believed. Rather, it is we women who are in denial. We think they will come around if we love them enough, are loving, sexually available, etc. While this may work in the short term, as you have witnessed, until men are ready they will happily settle for sex in lieu of the kind of relationship I think you are wanting.
Additionally, in my experience men rarely speak in code. If they tell you they moved closer to be near their job, believe it. If they tell you they just want sex, believe it. If they tell you they love you and still only want sex, believe that too.
What’s tricky is what we make “it” mean: they seem to open up and then make love to us, which we translate to mean that they want to be in a relationship. This is usually a projection. When a man wants a relationship he will let you know and act like it. His words, deeds, and actions will be aligned. He will not want to foul up.
When this is the case, when he says he loves you he will act like it. Period. He will also wait to have sex, not press the issue until you feel safe and secure. He will respect you and wait for you. He will want nothing more than for you to be ready and happy. He will also be open to talk about the future and make plans with you that are clear and specific.
This does not sound like the man you are describing. He is not behaving like a man in love, rather like a man who has enjoyed your company and regular intervals of sex. He may even actually care for you. This, however, is not the same as what I believe you are wanting.
“I believe in fate, God, and once made a big mistake giving myself to someone I thought was meant to be in my life. How can I tell what to do?”
It is very painful indeed when we feel God has bestowed us with a gift—only to realize that maybe it was not. My best advice here is to cultivate a practice of prayer and inquiry that is consistent. Learning to interpret “God’s messages” is nothing less than an art and a lifelong endeavor. Sometimes things that seem a gift today feel like a curse tomorrow, and vice versa. It seems to me that you were given many signs and even warnings about this man’s intentions, and chose not to see them. Perhaps the same is true about the sign you thought you received. Perhaps it was fate that you met this man and even that God had a hand in it—the truth is that today this man is unavailable for an exclusive, sustainable relationship in the way your heart desires, and so your answer is clear. And yes, very painful indeed. Heartbreak is no small thing. It can be epic and the scars can last a lifetime. That is why, should you want to heal, you must look inside your heart and see the truth that is in front of you, pray for the strength to face it, and pray for the guidance to be shown the next step.
“How am I supposed to get over him if he’s right down the street always visible? I always choose to forgive. But I’m very heartbroken right now.”
I hear you are heartbroken. Here are some ideas that may be of comfort and aid:
1) Remember who you are! You are God’s child. Divine and splendid. Filled with passion and purpose and one step further towards realizing your potential. Awakening is no easy feat.
2) PRAY: pray to be held and rocked by the Divine. Cry, scream, release, freak out, melt and surrender into God. This is what we all crave anyway. Unconditional love. Pray for guidance, forgiveness and to be shown the way.
3) Practically speaking, try to stop looking for him when you drive down the street. Perhaps take another route and repeat this mantra; “I can absolutely love someone and not be with them!” That is the epitome of real love! Sometimes we cannot be with people we love for one reason or another and we must move on.
4) Dive into any and all healing sources; yoga, workshops if possible, healing books, art, exercise, and best of all dear friends and family. Pour your heart out so it is empty and cleared out!
My heart is with you and if you wish to follow up with me or need clarification please feel free to contact me.