Hope, Hopi, and Kleenex

Yesterday morning I woke up covered in residue from a dream trilogy that rocked me in the kind of way some dreams do and leave a film that you just can’t shake. After about a half hour of trying to analyze the dream and figure out what the “message” was, I gave up and decided to simply surrender into the heaviness that accompanied it (which, of course, I wasn’t in the mood for and was resisting).

‘Cause my experience has been that when feelings like these come up, they want to be felt, not analyzed, stuffed or cleverly tucked back away so I can get on with the plan I had for my day!

Which also meant that my day would likely involve tears and being uncomfortable and not being able to say “Fine!” when anyone asked how I was doing today. All the stuff my mind loves to bookmark for workshops, long walks with dear friends—you know, more appropriate times. Not right in the middle of my life. How rude.

The best dating advice ever…for people who want a great relationship!

People ask me all the time for dating tips and advice, and I definitely have some current favorites. Whether you’re back on the dating scene after a divorce/difficult breakup/death of a spouse; whether you were plain old dumped and are afraid to have your heart broken again, a single parent, are intimidated by online dating, wouldn’t know where to start or even what to say if you saw someone you liked, or are simply starting over, try these on for size.

• Don’t lead with “sexy” unless you want someone to value that most about you!
• You don’t need to “sell” yourself. Remember that who you are is not for sale.
• Notice if you like who you are more, or like who you are less in the presence of a potential partner. Do they automatically bring out the best or worst in you? Example, do you feel insecure and unsure about yourself, or leave wondering if they like you? Or do you feel calm, comfortable, warm inside and invigorated as a result? Keep in mind: there is little difference between excitement and fear, yet there IS a difference!

Announcing bachelor number two

Vital Stats:

Name: James E. Tolbert
Age: 46
Profession: Personal trainer
Passion: Life in the outdoors.
Where you live: Forest Knolls, CA

What you like: Good will, surfing, basketball, cycling, maintaining an elevated level of activity, challenging myself. 

What you are looking for in a woman: similar interests and time schedules.

 Being Heart Smart Part 2: the Inner-view

One of my favorite Maryanne mantras is; you have to learn how use this (your head) before you do this (have sex) so you don’t break this (your heart)! And for many of us we can sadly add…again. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, well, we all know that when we get the urge to merge it can be so intoxicating that we give in to it, hoping this chemistry will magically translate into Happily Ever After. Yes, I did say you break your own heart, ‘cause love doesn’t happen outside yourself, and while your heart may feel broken, the heart cannot break per se. Love and the heart, like everything else, is energy—in this case, when it comes to relationships, a shared field of energy. Given that energy does not break, rather it changes form, how then can we avoid this painful changing of form, perhaps, for some of you, again?

The easy answer is; you cannot, as the only thing constant in life is change. I am sure that is not the answer you were looking for.

Being Heart Smart part 1:

 The Inner-View OR The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master

 Finding out who people are: seems like it would be relatively easy, primarily given that your body registers more than 90% of all perceptible information pre-cognitively. As a human being your internal navigational system, your intuition and senses, were designed to help “know” what you need to know about anyone within seconds, literally; sometimes sooner if you are extremely sensitive and tuned-in. Think about it: the last time you met someone, what reaction did your body have to them? Your body either opened or closed, expanded or contracted. At this point you are somatically interpreting all the bazillion bits of data, like posture, tone, smell, gait, eye movement, and so on, at light-speed and drawing critical conclusions; are they angry, aggressive, combative, kind, relaxed, tense? Basically attempting to determine if you are safe, and on how many levels; physically, emotionally, etc. In one of Ayn Rand’s books, one of the characters says; Everything you need to know about someone you will learn in the first 30 seconds of meeting them. And I would add, If you are paying attention!

Within milliseconds that data reaches the "bellyy brain" or "intuition," (not to be confused with the “mind”) and then the next, and less accurate in some definable ways, filtering process occurs. This portion is largely habitual behavioral recognition, which means it’s a historical filter in the mind, like a database of experience that’s being flicked through at a thousand miles an hour in attempts to recognize familiar patterns (good and bad), speech patterns, common references—any and all data you have that will classify this person into some category that is understandable and recognizable. As a response, your body will expand or contract. And here’s where we get into trouble.

Death becomes you

What if you just let go? Let it all go? All your attachments: your life as you know it, your identity, what you think of other people, of what other people think of you? All the people places, things, thoughts, feelings, and values that define you, you just let go of all of it. Any and all ideas you have about who you are, what is and how it supposed to be, vanishing in the distance as you voluntarily let them go?

The stories about your childhood, about the person who cut you off in the parking lot, about “How come that person has more than me or isn’t as good?” Who did what to you, who didn’t do enough. Who owes you, who you need to avenge. How you are going to save the world, your child, the animals, yourself. 

The need to do it right, to be right, to be taller, thinner, better looking, stronger, more patient, have a budget, drink less, exercise more, take back those things in the trunk that have been there for weeks, clean the windows for spring, get a new housekeeper, fire the old one. Look for a better job, reinvent yourself, get liposuction, re-position your brand, redo your bio, get on Facebook, get off Facebook. Botox, blow jobs and low-ash cat food. The Oscars, the Grammies, Tiger Woods humping 26 groupies, Sandra Bullock’s despicable sleazy husband, fix up your house, get a loan, speed date, porn sites, pole dancing, Vegas, pay your taxes, volunteer, help your friend out of debt, start your garden, get a SmartCar, take surfing lessons, go back to school.What the government is doing—or not—and how you could do it better. What other people should be doing instead of what they are doing, and how obvious that is. What time you should get up, what time you should get to bed, eat lunch, color your roots, get rid of that old couch, that bad relationship, your shitty attitude, and go to Costco because you think it’s cheaper.

No benefits, all friends?

It’s that time of year. Spring has sprung and the fever pitch is HIGH! No more bundling up your chakras, you say, it’s time for some “sex on the beach”!

Okay, but let’s get a few things straight before we high-tail it outta hibernation and into free love. First, there ain’t no such thing as a free lunch (or love), at least not that kind of love. And unless you are immoral or completely without a conscience, you need to make sure you brush up your relationship skills in your tool belt. That goes for all you married and partnered folks, too. Sometimes the winter months can be trying on relationships, and come spring you might want to fling yourself somewhere you ought not!  All I am saying is, yippee! but proceed with appropriate caution.

A few spring fling tips: 1) Pay attention (pay now or pay later); 2) Think it through. Make sure the good outweighs any potential side effects 4 to 1…okay, 3 to 1; and 3) WEAR A CONDOM no matter who they say they are or know. No, I am not promoting sex to anyone under (or over for that matter) the age of 18, I am just saying…

James asked:

“I met this girl at school and ended up falling for her. However, at the time she had a boyfriend who was moving to France. I saw her a couple of times before they officially broke up and then asked her out on a date. She said yes, then flaked on me twice